I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
