Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
True college students do jello shots in the library
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
