She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
