Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
