Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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