your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
