I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
