I murdered the dance floor call the cops
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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