remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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