I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
