just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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