he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Randomize
