"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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