she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
