so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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