My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
