I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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