Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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