I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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