my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
