I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
