I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
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