If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
It's official drugs can't kill me
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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