I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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