I met the friendliest cop last night
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
i need to put some appletini on your dick
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
