even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
You pole danced in your parka.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
