she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
either way he was missing a nipple.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
