Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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