just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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