I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
