so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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