grandma shit on top of the toilet
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
