pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
