I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
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