btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
