I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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