Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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