I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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