If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
