I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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