hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
