I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Randomize