You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
