I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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