marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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