The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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