I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
