Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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