Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
