i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
