Grow some girl-balls and come out already
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
