Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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