Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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