I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
