remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
We're using joints as your birthday candles
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
