i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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