I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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