He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
